i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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