I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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