Soap is not a condiment
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
