When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
