Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
