If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
