if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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