Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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