Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
