u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
