I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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