I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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