Cold hands, warm shart.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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