I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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