Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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