:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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