I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
