I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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