My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I won the penis lottery.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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