I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
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She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
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I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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