Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
