I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
