I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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