there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
