She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
