My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
