This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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