my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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