I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
