i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
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I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
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First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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