I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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