Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
