Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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