I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was born a porn star she said
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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