her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
