Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
