Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
