I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Never underestimate the power of titties
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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