Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
