btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Pooping to opera.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
