ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
