i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
