in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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