i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
