im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
