I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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