I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
