I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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