Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
