life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
