what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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