Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
