we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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