I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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