U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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