My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Randomize
