I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
